February - March Mini Goal

When I get to 245 pounds I can buy a new shirt.  I really NEED a new shirt.  Almost all my clothes are too small right now.  I have three pairs of jeans and four tops that fit.  I am wearing the same outfits over and over and over but I don't want to buy anything because it is admitting defeat.

I can lose five pounds to get a new shirt.

I'm Baaa - aaack!

So, things have been in a downward spiral since May of last year.  I have gained all the weight back plus some.  I got up to 258 pounds and am now back down to 249.8 as of this morning.

Do ya want the WHOLE story?

I found out last spring that my mom and step dad are getting a divorce.  And It Is Ugly.  Protection orders, cops being called, court hearings, breaking and entering, physical, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse ongoing and incessant.  My mother is as nutty as a squirrel turd.  My little bro called and asked me to fly home to tell the judge about how she abused me as a kid and that is why his family needed a protection order against her.  So I get home and find out that my sister in law is in her third trimester and my mom has been physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally abusing her when my bro wasn't around, so he and my dad thought she was over-reacting.  Well, one day my mom flipped the poop and almost killed my toddler niece by slamming a door open so hard it bounced off the wall and gave my mom a black eye.  The only reason my niece wasn't hurt was because my bro was standing right there and picked her up and protected her.  My step dad saw it, my sister in law saw it and my mom got kicked out and my dad filed for divorce and a protection order.  For me that is all hearsay.  I had to tell my sister in law, when I found out my mom had been left alone with my niece about the abuse I suffered at the psycho's hands for my whole life.  So my s-i-l took my niece to a specialist to have her examined, social services got called and then the police got called and I was required to file a police report about MY abuse.  Apparently back home, there is no statute of limitations on the type of abuse my mother did to me, so there is a criminal investigation and if they find stuff I will have to go home and relive all the abuse again, and talk about it again in front of HER and a court.

(my bro did not get the protection order against my mother)

STRESS anyone?

I was so stressed out while home, that I had to have an emergency unfill because I could not eat or drink.  My band HATES stress.  So while I was home I tried to manage my emotions with food.  When I got back to my adult home in August, I had a couple of small fills, my retina tore, and I was banned from exercise for a couple of months so it could heal.  Well, I never got back on the exercise bandwagon and I haven't exercised since Thanksgiving ( I walked a 5k).  I am still managing my emotions by eating crap.  I have however begun therapy once a week to raise my self esteem, learn coping skills, and get over my mother and stop letting the memories of her abuse control me now.

Since I started therapy I have lost weight (six pounds) without trying.  I am just making some better choices and trying different coping skills instead of eating.  I FEEL better about myself in general after a session and while doing my homework for the week.  My relationship with Mr. Nicole is also improving when I don't spaz out on him.

Right now we are moving on this Saturday, so I am stressed about that.  We are not completely packed yet, but getting there.  I also have my church duties, as I am parish ed director, so that is a part time job with all the prep work and meetings and classes and activities.  My plate is quite full.

My last visit with my Band doc was saddening as he wouldn't give me a fill because of the emotional eating and he was worried that I had distended my pouch stomach.  I got a barium swallow done and I have not damaged my pouch or slipped the band.  I want to go back and get a fill, but I HAVE to get moving first.  I have to start my exercise routine five days a week.  So NEXT week I start with that, since my exercise this week is packing and moving my house.  The plan is to walk three days and lift two days a week and take two days off.  I am okay with that plan.  I know I feel better when I exercise and I know I lose weight when I exercise and log my food.

I have been so full of shame and guilt and paranoia that I haven't wanted to blog about all this stuff. Every time I try to lose weight, something always pops up and I have an epic fail and gain it all back.  Every time I get close to 200 I flip because of fear of success and now I know I have issues with abuse as well.  My fat is my armor and because of it, I am unattractive enough I don't have to worry about being assaulted.

My band doc also kiboshed me getting preggo right now.  He wants my weight down to around 200 before we start trying again. 

I also know for sure my blood pressure is back up and I suspect my sugars are out of control again and my cholesterol levels are bad again. 

So this is what I am doing to get back on track right now:
Coffee down to 4 six ounce servings with four tbls of sugar free coffee creamer.
Water, Water, Water, Water.
Therapy with homework.
Vitamins and minerals every day.
Getting dressed when I get up every day (I have been wearing PJs all day)
Cooking at home six days a week.
Eating breakfast every morning.
Logging my food on myfitnesspal.com.

This is what I am going to add Next week:
Exercise for thirty minutes five days a week.


I think it is a good plan and doable.  And I will have some new trails to walk and learn in my new hood. 

Got to go pack some more.

Am I Paranoid?

I think something is out to get me.  I got a call today and my band doc is in the hospital so the adjustment I have been waiting for for a month is cancelled.  I am very disappointed.  And I am over a week late with the lady stuff, but tests keep popping negative.  I am very frustrated.  It is like my whole body has gone on hold.  Not gaining or losing weight either.  I have a 5k on the 19th I am walking.  My retinal tear has healed. 

I wonder what that something is.  I wonder what it is prepping me for.

So, Yeah, MONDAY.

Well, this past Friday was a bad day in general.  One of those days where you should have never gotten out of bed.  My work out was great, I was feeling good and jazzy till about 10am on Friday.  I had everything packed for the day, showered, was leaving early for my doctor's appointment and then I go to open the front door and the DOOR KNOB came off in my hand!  So, after I finally get it back on the door and leave by the garage instead, I am almost late for my appointment.  I get to sewing after my light therapy and we are doing some kind of gingerbread men pillows and there are a LOT of curves and points and well, I'm not so good at that kind of sewing, but I am doing it.  I am chugging along and learning it.  So I get up around noon to go potty and I DROPPED my cell phone, which I had put my dependent ID and insurance statement card between the phone and the rubberized cover to my phone.

So Good Bye insurance statement card.  I seriously thought about leaving it in the toilet, the phone that is.  My ID card is ok, didn't ruin it, but still.  ICKY!  So I came out of the bathroom, said good bye to everyone and went home and put my phone in a baggie of white rice and cried for a few minutes.  I then watched TV and then my Lap-Band doc's office called and canceled my Monday appointment because it was too soon to get a fill. Then it was time to go get Mr. Nicole from work and let him drive home so I could cry some more. 

The next day I take my phone out of the rice and my phone smells like pee.  So I wiped it down with rubbing alcohol and a cotton ball.  Inside, outside, battery, sim card, and external memory card.  The good news is that my phone works and now it doesn't smell like pee.

So I did not track my food or work out on Monday or Tuesday as I was having a fit of depression and low self esteem and a bunch of why bothers.  I did work out today after an early morning breakdown and some crying and yelling.

Tomorrow I start Atkins Induction.  I have to change something and I have been doing my nutritionists recommended diet and I am gaining weight on her diet.  The 150 or more grams of carbs she has me on is causing massive food cravings and sugar highs and lows, causing the addict to come out and eat everything from mid afternoon until bedtime. 

This morning was 233 pounds

Midweek Update

So far this week has been busy for me, with all the working out and tracking I am doing.  Maybe not THAT busy, but still, more than I am used to.

Since Monday I have been keeping track and doing everything on my list and it seems to be working.  I do get really hungry and I do need a fill to help with that.  I think recently I came to some sort of understanding emotionally that I have to still watch what I eat, how much I eat and I HAVE to exercise most days of the week even though I have had weight loss surgery.

So I gotta keep the willpower up till Monday's adjustment.


Midweek weight 228

Reflections & Goals

Recently I have been looking at why I have gained 20 pounds over the last 3-4 months and while a lot of it was stress induced eating and band tightening, a lot of it is solely on ME.  I OVER ate and UNDER exercised for 4 months.  I have been eating all the wrong things and while I have been trying to do better since I got home at the end of August, I have been failing miserably at it.   I think that I am a junk food addict and IF I start eating crap, it is REALLY hard for me to stop again.  The last week or so I have been detoxing and going back to basics. 

• Drinking 12 - 8 ounce cups of water or 4 - 21oz bottles EVERY DAY.
• Tracking my diet on MyFitnessPal.com EVERY DAY.
• Walking 3mph 60 minutes THREE DAYS a WEEK.
• Walking 3mph 40 minutes THREE DAYS a WEEK.
• Stretching 10 - 30 minutes SIX DAYS a WEEK.
• Eating the calories that MyFitnessPal.com tells me to eat to lose weight. 
• Weighing and writing the numbers down on the bathroom mirror EVERY DAY.
• Measuring my waist and hips EVERY FRIDAY and writing it down on the bathroom mirror.
• Eating WHOLE foods EVERY MEAL, EVERY SNACK, EVERY DAY.
• Avoiding HFCS and MSG and SUGAR and white FLOUR.
• Take my multivitamin, calcium and 5,000 iu of Vitamin D EVERY DAY.

Recently I was diagnosed with a torn retina and was told not to jog or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk.  I want to lift weights again.  I miss it, but also my creatinine levels were low, which means my body is losing muscle mass.  I want to be STRONG!  I want to be able to easily lift 70 pounds with my upper body.  Two and a half more weeks before I find out if I can lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk.

I also scheduled another fill with my surgeon on Halloween instead of just before Thanksgiving.  I lose the most when I am getting stuck all the time and can eat only 900 calories a day.  Then when I get unfilled a little, I gain back weight.  I just have to be sure to CHEW my food and take SMALL bites to avoid getting stuck.

I have noticed that when I eat between 1200 - 1600 calories and exercise I can maintain my weight.  I CANNOT lose weight when I eat that much, no matter how much I exercise.
When I eat between 800-1000 calories a day and exercise, I lose about 2 pounds a week.

I also have learned that TWO weeks before AF comes, I gain 7 - 10 pounds no matter what I do.  I suffer food cravings, mood swings, acne and sleeplessness for TWO weeks during my PMS.

MY GOAL

Lose 31 pounds (Get to 199 pounds) by February 13, 2012.
That is 2 pounds a week.

REWARD

Four leaf clover tattoo on my ankle or shoulder blade.

I really want another tattoo.



Mini Goal

Train for a Turkey Trot 5k on November 19th.  I will be walking it.  Mr. Nicole and I are going to try to get a team from our church to participate as a team.  Mr. Nicole will run if he has not had elbow surgery yet.  The Turkey Trot benefits Hands of Hope in our area. 

I would like to do another 5k in December, but I don't know if I will be allowed to walk it.  I will find out though.

Today is a good day.  I really want that tattoo.

 

Labwork

This is from March of 2010

Total 219
HDL 27
LDL 130
Trig 309
Ratio 8.1
Glucose 101

This is from October 2011

Total 208
HDL 40
LDL 128
VLDL 40
Trig 198
Glucose 88
hA1c 5.7

Did you see that?  Awesome!  I do however need to bring up my HDL and bring down my LDL and Triglycerides.  I don't know what VLDL is, but I will look into that.

I am overall happy will the direction that my blood chemistry is going. 

I need to exercise more.
And lose the 20 pounds I gained.

Pretty Sure the Doc MISSED the PORT!!!!

Ok, so since I got unfilled while in Maine, and now that I supposedly have 4cc in my band, which by the way, was were it was at when I left for Maine, I don't feel ANY restriction.  I can eat whatever and however much I want right now, which is not good when you throw hunger into the mix.  So I think my surgeon has missed the port with my fills.  I KNOW he hasn't missed because if he did he wouldn't get anything when he un-fills me to do an adjustment and he is getting fluid out of the band.

And now, the ophthalmologist told me to not lift heavy weights or do vigorous exercise or jog my head or anything because I have a torn retina that could detach.  This of course after I thought the vision funkiness was a low blood sugar issue and continued to work out vigorously for the last week and increased intensity of said work outs.  And I was gonna start lifting weights today, but that is definitely a no go now. 

I am calling my surgeon's office today to get a fill.

I have support group tonight too.

I might be pregnant.  Won't know for sure for a couple more weeks.

Still at 230 pounds.

Decided to get back on strict tract with diet, so back to only whole foods that aren't processed.  I read something about MSG being used in lab rats to create obese subjects.  MSG is in EVERYTHING!! 

Our food supply just scares me if I bother to really think about it. 

Fill

I got my fill today.  I now am back at 4cc in my 10cc band.  I feel relieved.  I do not, however like the PA that works at my doctor's office.  She basically told me I was either lying or stupid because I gained 20lbs over the last three months while I was unfilled and under a ton of stress.  I gained two pounds in the month between my visits.  I will complain to the staff about it.  She may be fine for other patients, but not for bariatric ones. 


The sad thing is that my church Oktoberfest is tomorrow evening and I won't be able to eat much there now that I have restriction.  Oh well.

Still at 230 for now. 

I am DONE with this.

I am just done.  I don't care if I lose anymore weight.  I don't care anymore.  No matter how little I eat or how healthy I eat or how much I exercise I gain weight.  I just keep on gaining.  I am eating under 1500 calories a day and exercising 5-8 hours a week and GAINING weight.  I want to scream or just kill myself.  I will NEVER be at a "healthy" weight.  If I were "normal" I SHOULD be at or below goal NOW!  Math lies.

I am tired of trying and doing everything right and not losing weight.  I feel like I'm going crazy.

Almost One Year Post Op

So I had surgery almost one year ago on September 7, 2010, five days after my 33rd birthday.  And day of surgery I weighed 245.  This morning I weighed 223.  I have lost 22 pounds in a year after having weight loss surgery.

I failed the surgery.  I know I did.  I don't exercise three times a week.  I don't watch my diet.  I don't drink my water. 

I have had a few road blocks, like having my band deflated twice, once for a week and now for TWO months.

Mostly I am not exercising and eating right.

I want to start some goals, but I am wanting certain foods that have become a rare treat for me.  I am craving sushi and normally can't eat it because the seaweed wrap and sticky rice combo does not love my band --- AT ALL.

I will admit that the past month has been a burger and pizza induced haze blanketed with fudge rounds and full fat ice cream and cakes and whoopie pies.

I am finally home with the sanity aka Mr. Nicole.

I realized while visiting home, that I am very dependent on food to manage my moods.  I ate to make myself feel happy.  I am eating now to alleviate boredom and loneliness while Mr. Nicole is at work.

My mother in law is an enabler when it comes to unhealthy food choices.  I love her and I love spending time with her, but she is a champ at justifying eating burgers and dessert concoctions and alcohol.  I just spend part of my time home visiting her as well as my own family.  AND she will be here tomorrow night on my birthday!  Momma is coming for a week of fun!

My birthday is Friday.  I don't wanna turn 34 because that means I HAVE to get knocked up this year BEFORE I turn 35.  Did I mention we are trying to make a Baby Nicole?  I finally decided I was responsible enough to have control over another human being for the rest of my life.  Mr. Nicole has been over the moon since I let him know I was finally ready.  I didn't know kids were that important to him.

So the plan is to just go with the flow food wise and not flip out over food and drink choices or lack of exercise and resume my healthy life after my mother in law goes home. 

I think my healthy eating makes her uncomfortable. 

I have lost a couple of pounds since I got home last Friday night.  And that is with no restriction and LOTZ of LIQUOR!  and only ONE 30 minute slow walk on Wednesday.

My birthday plans are as follows:  Friday Morning: get up and go for light therapy at dermatologist.
After therapy go to either Waffle Barn or IHOP for some killer waffles or pancakes.  ( I can't eat eggs for some reason, I PB them.).  Breakfast followed by some thrift store shopping then followed by finding and buying a sexy bra.  After lunch, which will be sushi or Thai, we will come home and Mr. Nicole will make manicotti for our Friday night book study at church. After the study we will get Starbucks and go to the airport at 10pm to pick his mom up.  We will then come home and crash.

We have planned to spend a day in San Francisco at Fisherman's Wharf and maybe China Town (I didn't find it that exciting last time).  Ride a cable car, bus and walk a lot.  Eat some clam chowder out of a sourdough bread bowl, go to Ghiradehli Square and hit up the ice cream store, see the Bridge and then hopefully go to Alcatraz. 

I am excited and Mr. Nicole has taken time off work, so that is bonus.

A Short Update

So my family is crazy and I will talk more about that when I get home and have time for a long post.  I have gained weight and have not gone for a hike at all.  If it isn't raining, we are working to pack my mother's things and clean so there is room for an incoming newborn.  I will post all about the crazy when I get home and 19 month old kids aren't throwing poopy diapers at me.

Still Here, but Not for Long

Well, still here, but I am going on an extended trip.  I have been avoiding posting for a while because I am not losing weight.  It's not the band's fault either.  I am eating crap.  I eat chips because I know they won't get stuck, I eat pudding and ice cream because I know they won't get stuck.  I have a really hard time with chicken and fibrous veg like broccoli and cabbage.  I can eat mixed spring green lettuces, tomatoes, cucumbers and onions all day long.  I love salads with stuff in it like cheese and croutons and dressing.
I get stuck on stupid food like cottage cheese and oatmeal, but pizza will go down fine.  I do have a really hard time with meats.  Just about any meats in most forms.  Hot dogs are usually a stuck food for me along with potato salad, corn on the cob and my cereal Kashi Go-Lean.  I do feel like I have a hard time eating.  Also when its that time of the month, I get so tight I go on a stage three mushies diet for a couple of weeks.

So over the last couple of months I had an allergic reaction to hibiscus tea (and the bushes I think) and got a steroid shot, a 15 day course of steroids AND steroid topical lotion.  So I ate a lot of food for three weeks and gained 12 pounds.  I got up to 222!  I worked out and tracked my food for a couple of weeks and got down to 217.  I haven't budged from that.

Over Memorial Day weekend AKA my anniversary, we went to see the Redwoods on the NorCal coast.  I hiked and remembered how much I LOVE hiking.  I am going home to Maine for a few weeks and I am bringing my hiking boots.  My dad has a hundred acres that butts up to 1500 acres of conservation land, and I have 1600 acres I can hike on.  I can also visit Baxter State Park and Cascade and Arcadia parks if I want to drive some.  I also get to visit my first Lutheran church and see how home is.

I plan to be active, but whether or not that happens will be another story.  I will let y'all know how it goes.

On to the big news.  Mr. Nicole and I have started trying to conceive.  Unfortunately he isn't coming on this trip, so I probably won't get knocked up this month, but hopefully I will be back by the next chance.

And more news, I got elected as the Director of Parish Education! LOL!!! : : : evil laughter : : : I don't know what they were thinking!  I love it and I am disappointed that I will miss the beginning of the adult study and Sunday school, as I am also the only teacher.

My weight loss goal is to get under 200 pounds by Sept 2.  If I don't I don't get to go to Yosemite for my birthday and my birthday gets cancelled this year!  I have a month and a half to lose 18 pounds!

So the goal is to do three hours a week of cardio, thirty min a week of strength, each session followed by thirty min of stretching and ab work.  I also have to eat under 1500 calories a day, no matter the burn.  I apparently have a slow metabolism and make calories into fat no matter what or when I eat them.

Oh, and I dropped out of college.  Online wasn't for me.  I don't learn well that way.

Fun.

Peace and Love

Hrmm Life Happened I Guess

Ok, so everything is crazy for me.  I gained five pounds so I am up to 215.  I started online school for Nutritional Science.  I also go to a lot of doctor's appointments.  I went to Tahoe recently for the weekend and we ended up in Sparks, NV  NEVADA!!!!!!  I got to buy clothes at Old Navy!!!  First time evah!  Back in the Cali valley I did find some cute clothes at Ross and at Fashion Bug, so I got some spring and Easter outfits.  I was cute!  This year I was able to purchase and wear a t-shirt from Tahoe, so I was psyched!  And it wasn't torture walking up and down all those snowy icy hills.  I did get unfilled for a week because of the pill that I had to swallow for my thyroid scan.  It ended up being the size of the old school Tylenol capsules.  I did get to eat a burger on a bun and sushi tho.  This past weekend, instead of doing homework, I went to the Air Show both days.  Now I am sunburned and have a cold.  I did finally take a couple of hours to watch the DVRed Royal Wedding.  And Mr. Nicole cryptically woke me up with a good bye kiss and some quip about a pleasant surprise on the morning news, so I had to get up instead of sleep a couple more hours.  And it wasn't pleasant, more historical.  So bin Laden is dead.  And I wonder if Mr. Nicole knew about that op all weekend.

My hip is killing me and I keep getting severe cramping in my Peroneus longus (anatomy class) (calf muscle) and it pulls my poor toes out of joint and hurts like the dickens.  (what is a dickens and how does it hurt?)

Lately I have been making all kinds of bad decisions with food and exercise.  I know better, but I just lost that thing that gives you the energy to do things.  I can't even remember the word!  I have almost finished all my Easter candy, so maybe when that gets gone I can get back to normal eating.  I don't know why I think I have to finish the candy instead of tossing it in the trash.  I didn't want to do Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous because I don't want to give up flour and sugar and potatoes.  Sobriety is considered flour, sugar, and personal binge food abstaining.  Just the sugar alone would be impossible.  It is in my Greek yogurt, coffee creamer, light ice cream.  The flour is in my 98% fat free cream soups that I have to eat after a fill or a stuck episode and mashed potatoes are a go to food for when I am on mushies.  I just wanted a place for emotional support.  I don't like the idea of a weigh in for TOPS or paying dues either.  None of the shrinks that I called have called me back, so therapy is a no go.

I get to see my nutritionist tomorrow, so hopefully that will give me some motivation to get back on track.  I also should probably track my eating again, I seem to lose weight when I keep food journals.  Later today I am gonna get an appointment to see a doc about the calf and hip thing, cuz it hurts like heck to walk more than a mile at a good pace.  I am also getting a callousy thing on the ball of my foot and it hurts!

I am procrastinating cuz I don't want to write my paper, do my discussion posts and find my research books for a paper that I am going to write.

I chose an online school because I didn't have many other options that didn't require the deisel to drive at least an hour each way to classes.  We can't afford the fuel for me to go to a brick and mortar school.  Online schools give 40 hours of work per class!  That is probably an exaggeration.  I just hate reading the text books an I never liked doing stuff like posting on boards.  Mostly because I don't have much to say or I don't really care what others say.  And I also have to have sources for any info I reference.  Yucky.  APA sucks.          

Well Finally

Ok, so things have been quite hectic.  We moved, and at the same time we were so busy that we haven't even really unpacked.  The computers just got set up this week.  I have enrolled in University to get my BS in Nutritional Science so I can be a dietitian.  It is all online cuz the closest University is about an hour away.  My first two classes are Anatomy, Physiology, Chemistry and Nutritional Assessment. 

Whole Wheat Buttermilk Biscuits and Shepherd's Pie

Today I made four batches of whole wheat buttermilk biscuits and shepherd's pie. 

Whole Wheat Buttermilk Biscuits

2 cups 100% whole wheat flour

.5 cup butter flavored shortening, chilled

4 tsp baking powder

2 tsp sugar

.5 tsp salt

.5 tsp baking soda

1 cup buttermilk, cold

Combine dry ingredients, cut with shortening until it takes on the consistency of corn meal, add buttermilk and combine.  Use extra flour to ball and turn out the dough onto a floured board.  knead a few times and roll out and cut out 3 inch biscuits.  Brush top with butter.  Bake at 400 F for 20 minutes.

The secret is to work the dough as little as possible and to not pause before putting them in the oven.  Also while kneading fold the dough in half a few times to create more leavening.  Don't twist the biscuit cutter when cutting out biscuits. 

Shepherd's Pie

about 1.5 pounds ground beef

1 medium onion diced

2-3 cups mixed frozen peas, corn, green beans, carrots

1 tsp thyme

1 tsp Worcestershire sauce

1 jar beef gravy

4-6 cups mashed potatoes

Brown beef and drain.  Add onions and carrots and beef back to a deep skillet.  Cook until onions are soft and the frozen veggies are done.  Add gravy, thyme and Worcestershire sauce.  Put into casserole pan.  Cover completely with mashed potatoes, creating peaks.  Bake in 350 F oven for 30-60 minutes. 

Stupid

I forgot to pack a drawer.  The one that had all my measuring cups, spoons, potato masher, can opener and various other things that I need.  I am ticked.  I think I forgot to pack them anyways.  They weren't in any of my labeled kitchen boxes.  Of course Mr. Nicole kept taking half packed kitchen boxes when I was packing and took them to the new place and shoved them God knows where.  I am ticked off.  I have to go over to the neighbors now and borrow a can opener.

Procastination Queen

So because I procrastinate when I have a huge project, I have avoided packing.  Yes, Packing.  My House.  I am gonna be busy all day tomorrow and Saturday (moving day) with the picture thing cuz no one signed up to man the sign in table.  Sheesh!!!  I am a little freaked out right now. 

Sweet Relief!

Relief!  Finally!  My band was loosened yesterday morning.  I feel so much better.  Physical hunger is under control still.  I had .5cc taken out.  Half a cc made all the difference in the world.  For breakfast yesterday I had stage III foods.  Cottage cheese and scrambled egg product.  I was stuck during my unfill on Stage III foods.  When he pulled out my fill, my breakfast slid down and my heartburn went away and my stomach stopped aching.  Then he put back 5.5 and I was still relieved!  Oh, happy day!  I got to eat real food last night without getting stuck or being in tons of pain!  Baked salmon and Brussels sprouts!  Is that even real words?  You know mini cabbages!  Tonight I am having chicken for dinner.

Hope

Well my official Friday weigh in is here and from yesterday to today I have lost 2 pounds.  So just maybe that whole hyperthyroidism and rapid weight loss thing is coming my way!  Today is 210.

The Band Part 2

I went to support group tonight and was told that my Doc was back from vacation next week.  YAY!  I can call and get an unfill a week sooner!  For dinner I had five small spoons of tortilla soup and one thin slice of corned beef and one small bite of white cornbread.  No cabbage or potatoes.  :(

P.S.  Happy St. Patrick's Day!

The Band

On a happier and less devastating topic.  My band is too tight.  I have problems eating and avoid healthy food and go for the sliders.  I think I am also having some reflux, because the back of my throat is sore, like when you burp up bile into the back of your mouth.  I can't wait for my appointment.  I thought that the band would get a little looser as the past couple of months has gone on.  I wish Dr. Jenkins wasn't on vacation so I could get an unfill now!

My unofficial weight right now is 212, but my official comes on Friday, so we will see if it changes.  I wish I had the weight loss side effect of hyperthyroidism.  I only have palpitations and sleeplessness.

I don't think I have been under 200 since I got married.

I am so glad that I am losing and my gains are only five pounds and hormonal! 

Tricare

Tricare and Express Scripts sucks.  Why the hell do I, as a customer, have to do all the friggin leg work?  Why?  Are they all that lazy or stupid?  I now understand why people go on rampages. If I can't get this autoimmune crap under control then I can't live.  It is just too painful to function.  I can't do anything.  I can't work.  I can't do household chores.  I can barely type most days. 

Moving!

We got the house we wanted to rent!!!!

I need a brain surgeon! STAT!

According so some people I need counseling.  My coping skills for life stresses is severely lacking now that I don't drink, smoke or eat.  Ever try getting a therapist to call you back?  No?  I have.  My therapist that I saw for my pre op eval is out of business apparently.  So I have to find a different one that knows about addiction dynamics and how to treat it.

I went to an FA meeting thinking this would be a good place to go for emotional support.  Then I learned the rules.  So that is definitely not the place for me.   

I don't think my marriage will survive if I don't change and learn and grow.

I don't even realize that I am being snotty until after someone gets hurt.

I do feel out of control with my emotions.       

AAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

I hate packing.  I would rather have strangers who don't speak my language pack my crap.  I broke a soapstone tiger that Mr. Nicole got in Korea.  Shattered it. I hate packing

Househunting and other stuff

Today we are looking at the last four places.  The three places we looked at up in the foothills were small.  3 bedrooms 2 baths (that Mr. Nicole couldn't fit in) and about 1200 sq ft.  Today we are looking at four places in the valley that are 3-4 bedroom and between 1400-1800 sq ft.  Newer builds too.  The problem we are running into is that our books and couch and the formal living and dining room furniture won't fit in a smaller house with only one dining and living room.  shucky darn. 

Today I was thinking about how I view weight loss and strict dieting and obsessive exercising.  For some reason I view it as a forever kinda situation.  Instead of working my backside off till I get to my goal and then seeing what I can add and take away and maintain my weight, I am going slowly and sporadic with exercise.  I eat pretty much what I want and don't exercise with any regularity.  I sometimes wonder what is keeping me from giving it my all.  Maybe I should go see my shrink again. 

I also want to have babies and soon. 

My best cali friend just had her baby. 

I am starting to get a little old, the risk factors go up after a certain age that I am approaching. 

Lent starts today.  I have given up chocolate.  No ice cream or chocolate protein shakes for me!  I am also adding daily exercise and devotions. 

For some reason Ash Wednesday is like my version of new years eve.  It is probably my favorite religious day. 

Happy Ash Wednesday everyone!

WE ARE MOVING!!!!

I hate moving.  I hate packing and unpacking.  The upside is we got cash for keys.  The down side is we have to find a place, pack, and move before the end of this month!

P.S.  keep mouth shut about possibly getting orders in May.

A Fish Tale

So, since surgery I had been unable to eat baked fish, poached fish, grilled fish, steamed fish.  Fish in general.  I could eat tuna and canned salmon with mayo if I moussed it.

Last night I ate baked salmon and didn't PB it.  I am so happy.  I have missed my fish.

I have lost 54 pounds, 30 of them after Lap-Band surgery and 15 of those pounds since January 3, 2011. 

I am so happy.  Did I mention that I am happy?

I love my band.

 

Mistress Day and Valentine's Day

Since Mr. Nicole has to study tomorrow for his promotion test, we are celebrating Valentine's Day on Mistress Day (Feb 13) instead.  So I get to be the mistress this year!  ; )  Our plans include a movie, a little shopping trip to an electronics store so Mr. Nicole can pick out one of his Valentine's Day gifts, and dinner at a Thai restaurant.

 I got exactly what I wanted!  He loves me enough to love my heart too!

Peach roses, Dove chocolate truffles, a singing card (Taylor Swift Our Song), and the Wii Fit plus!   

LOL

Do you know what happens to pita bread at 450 degrees when you walk away from it? 

I do.

A house full of smoke.

No breeze.

So, 50 down

So I have lost 50 pounds.  What?  FIFTY?  I have lost 26 since surgery.  I am averaging one pound a week since surgery.  I am seeing a difference in the mirror.  I feel a difference in how I move.  I feel fantastic when I'm not sore from working out hard or injuring myself.  I am having trouble with getting stuck.  I get stuck at least twice a week.  I was stuck last night for two hours!  It was horrible.  Stupid left over meatloaf.   I did just fine when it was fresh.  The lack of chewing gets me every time.  

I do have a little bit of buyers remorse and its all around the getting stuck issue.  With the RNY I would have had a little bit of stomach acid to digest food if I didn't chew it well enough.  There is no stomach acid in my banded pouch, so when I get stuck I either--1.  Drink water fast to try to push it through.  OR 2.  Gack up water, food, slime, foam.  And if it doesn't get out the first time, rinse and repeat, until the offending piece comes out. 

I can't eat fish unless it is basically turned into mousse with some fat in it, like mayo or olive oil. 
I can't eat carrots.
I can't eat butternut or acorn squash.
I can eat bread, pasta, rice if I eat really slowly and chew each piece until it is pure liquid.
When you chew until food is that liquid, it tastes bad.
I can't eat dry meats.
I can't eat white meat chicken or turkey. 
The correct ratio of egg to mayo now is 1 large egg to 1 Tbsp mayo, otherwise egg salad gets stuck. 
I can eat a hamburger, but only half and without the bun or lettuce. 
Starbucks goes down fantastic.  I hate skim milk.  I hate their brewed coffee. 
I drink Maxwell House, but am trying Yuban when my coffee can gets empty.
I am trying to move towards organic products.
I don't love hummus.
I've switched to full flavored coffee creamer because they don't have corn syrup in them, the sugar free ones do. 
I still cook for four to eight people.

I am still contemplating getting a slight unfill because of all the stuck issues.  I don't want an unfill though. 
I have more energy. 
I exercise regularly twice a week.  Occasionally more.
I am going to try quinoa pasta tonight.
I still have to drink protein shakes in the morning because my pouch doesn't like solids food until after lunch.

I am stuck at 219 on the scale.

I think that when we came back from Germany I weighed close to 300.

I had to buy some workout clothes.  I got 2xl because I thought they would shrink in the dryer.  They didn't and the drawstring is in use!  (has never happened before).  My size 22 jeans are getting big.  I am thinking about size 20 now.  Depending on arm hole size in tops I am a 1xl or a 2xl if the arm is too small.

I don't always remember to take my vitamins.  They say they don't absorb with caffeine, so I don't take them in the morning and by the afternoon I forget.

Things are going ok.

Next time I want blue cheese for wings, I am buying a bottle of dressing instead of making my own.
The whole wheat pita chips are to die for.  Just cut in to wedges, pull apart the pockets and mist with olive oil and add a bit of salt, bake at 450 F for 10-20 minutes.  YUM!

 

Superbowl Menu

So for this year's Superbowl I have decided to go all out.  I really don't care about football, I like watching the commercials and eating the food. 

At my house we are having:

Home made hummus with veggies and home baked whole wheat pita chips
Home made black bean dip with home baked whole wheat tortilla chips.
Home made guacamole
Baked hot wings with home made Greek yogurt blue cheese dressing
Shrimp coctail
Home made turkey black bean chili
Beer (probably MGD 64, my fav American beer)
Cherry diet 7-up with generic vodka

So much food, I will probably invite people over to help eat it all.

I love to cook

Seriously.

Go Packers!  (since I should pick a team) 

An Acomplishment

I 

Ran
 

A 

Mile
 

Today

!!!!